uh oh someones been busy!

new lj name!

simplesilouette

[	mood	|	okay	]
[	music	|	dc...vindicated	]

BETRAYAL: to fail or desert especially in time of need

CLASSES ARE OVERRRRRRR!!!

wow its so great to say that! no more classes and im back online again. im gonna go start loading all the pictures i owe. i shall be back later chums.

...im to lazy to post everything now but heres my favorite hehe:

[	mood	|	drained	]
[	music	|	SoCo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!	]

im only writing a tiny bit now.

the penny social haha was so totally rad

for those of you out of the loop the penny social is the soco concert

i had so much fun

i saw cassie there and she introduced me to her friends

i met Andrew and clutch both awesome guys

i got on stage

i got Andrews towel

i fell of stage on my ass haha

a security guard ripped my towel away

i got high fives from all those around me who saw my awesome maneuver

my ass is sore and im tired

expect more detail and pictures tomorrow folks

i want to have andrew mcmahons children.

Andrew is soft haha.

i want to pokey pokey pokey!

[	mood	|	sad	]
[	music	|	maria mena-youre the only one	]

yeup its that time for me to update. ill keep this short and not too depressing. ok so um thursday i stayed in school for 1 period then went home and then went home to attempt to study for Fridays AP. i think i got a 1 on the AP…i kno everyone says that but i bet i did. it wasn’t as stressful as i thought it was going to be. but it was tiring and exhausting. after the test rosie me n ren went to chilis and then we went to the park and drove around. then rosie went home n ren n i went to the mall. i didn’t go to practice cause i was mentally drained. then i took Lauren home n went home n showered n then went to battle of the bands with Lauren n Amanda n Brendan was there n he stayed with us. it was lots of fun. tons of chin stealing lol Brendan stepped on my toes all night long ahh it was fun… ged oooooov! mmmmerlin! haha ohhhh n feeling brendans adams apple as he swallows is uber freaky lol. ha i felt so short all night next to all the tall folks. i had so much fun Friday it was great, first night i didn’t cry. then Saturday was kinda boring i worked on my mommys gift which was getting the garden all pretty. then my parents friends came over n we went out for dinner…i wasn’t allowed to go to the mall. today i finished the garden…i had to go to home depot and buy more dirt…buy dirt god whats the world coming to lol. i went looking like crap covered in dirt with no makeup and yes somehow i got hit on by the cashier as another one smiled at me n then a third stood there. i was wearing my soccer shirt so they were telling me how me playing soccer is so awesome lol then they all asked if i needed help bringing the bags to my  car and im like nah its ok and they were all like ”awww” then one goes “… but if u want me to i charge extra…just don’t ask him” ::wink:: ha it was great i would have said yes but i had the kiddies with me. Robbie is all like oooooooooh and marissas like “i wonder if they liked u haha” oh n i forgot to mention the lady that dropped a gate on the back of my leg…i didn’t say anything n she was like appoligizing so much…it wasn’t bad until she started to rub my leg and wouldn’t stop! it was fun lol. then yea went home n gardened more then had to buy food for unexpected guests n then that’s really been it. now im gonna listen to music, and then go to bed. im feeling sad again tonight…i miss her as always i hate being a sap. but  ya.

-cause it`s really not at all.
I guess there`s just a part of me that likes to bring you down just to keep you around,
Cause the day you realize how amaizing you are, you`re gonna leave me!
 
 
*penny social in 2 days! im sooooo excited*

[	mood	|	gloomy	]
[	music	|	soco...walking by	]

 yes, i wish i had a sailboat because as i was watching the oc i got all sad. seth (adam brody…one of the hottest boys around) was losing his best friend. so seth gets all sad and leaves home to sail. i wanna sail. i wanna go away. the show made me cry. i wish i had a bf as sweet as adam. i watched the show and got upset that i don’t have a bf and that i lost one of my best friends. although i have others i did lose an important one. so i cried and then got in the shower and cried some more. ive cried everyday this week. it doesn’t seem to get easier, at least for me. she seems fine. she doesn’t seem to care. i still don’t see how it was that easy. i must be a pretty crappy friend/person if its that easy to get rid of me. and for her to have no sense or remorse for losing a friendship. i suck. but on a lighter note the tickets came for the penny social.   i should go now. i hafta finish my history dbq and then panic for Fridays AP.

“what makes it so easy for you to be…walking by”

-something corporate

 <- wishing that was my bed

[	mood	|	crappy	]
[	music	|	hellogoodbye~dear jamie	]

I've got a letter I would like to send
It's lacking strings of words with punctuation at the end.
Should I trust this dialect?
To convey the right effect?

 
 im such a pathetic  fool  to every extent of the word. i kno i havent updated in a while so forgive me not that many care but i have been told by a few people that they read this religiously so ya. its not that i dont have anything to say its that i dont have the time , and energy to update. this week was crap i mean ive been really upset the past few weeks but this week just was it. i had 2 SAT classes (im done woohoo!) one of which prevented me from seeing soco and yellowcard wow it was a sad night. then also i had 2 games we lost but played well. i played in goal. one day i got kicked in the head twice and the neck. rosie almost cried she thought i got badlt hurt. murray even got a bit scared. i thought i had died cause i blacked out for like a few seconds. i got up tho n played real hard n didn’t let any in. i also lost one of my best friends this week which has been probably the most difficult thing ive had to deal with in a while. it happened at the worst possible time too. i mean i can only compare it to falling off a cliff. lets say your falling and holding on by a few fingers struggling to keep your self out of a deep pit and then your friend comes you thank god thinking your saved i mean its your best friend and then you think they are about to help you but instead they step on your fingers. you feel the warm tears streaming down your face as you realize this is it. they lift their foot looking down at you and smile and watch the color drain from your face as you fall backwards into the pit.  they turn around and walk away and join a group of people who are laughing at you. so yes that’s my little comparison. except ive come to realize that soon comes a group of your other friends n throw you a rope and slowly try and pull you up. i kno im so depressing and corny. ive just been so upset lately its hard to express how i feel. ugh but the other day i felt like a fool. i was talking to my lil Lauren n rosie after school and we are alone in the hall and there i am like a hopeless fool  with tears in my eyes n i hear everything ok ladies n rosie goes ya and theres fradella. he sees me n goes no its not! Jessica whats wrong as he puts his hand on my shoulder. we told him nothing n hes like take care of her rosie. i mean it wasn’t so bad but it was just not what i needed then. i hate when people see me cry. its just something about me. i like to be alone when i cry. just like last night i went to the movies n dinner with Lauren since she wouldn’t let us go to the lax game since im sick so i took her home then went shopping by myself. my new coping method spending money and driving around crying. i cried a lot and spent around $65 of course i had AAR on for a bit and this line comes on “she, now she's all alone/Her eyes they drown in tears/Their love was meant to last” now the love part no im not a friggin lesbian but she was my best friend. i kno i have lots of other friends. other really great super duper ones. other best friends. but this still hurts. so much. what hurts more is i told her that she hurt me n some things she said hurt me, and her response “i don’t really fucking care” yeup tear my heart out, throw it on the floor, step on it and dig your heal into it then spit on it and walk away. i also still have her bday gift. what am i suppose to do with it? it was perfect to but now we arent even talking. hey you hate me but heres a gift. i kno shed love it too. i just don’t see how it can all be thrown away! with out blinking an eye it can be over. im sitting here wanting it back so much i don’t see how 3 years can be thrown away so quickly. was i really so horrible to deal with that its easy to get rid of me? my mom caught me crying the other night. she told me shes afraid that im not happy anymore, i told her not to worry. but i kno she will. sometimes im happy and sometimes im not. when im with my friends im happy, but theres just a piece of me that’s missing, im incomplete. i miss her i want the friendship back. but i was told that the she has more fun with the people she talks to now than she ever did with me. i sit in Spanish alone, being ignored by almost everyone as my eyes get glossy n i hold back the tears, its as tho im being taunted, seeeee they are much more fun than you i told youuuu. i don’t see how someone could say that just like that. and then how i could be so stupid to want it back. i miss my friend. i miss going to thrift stores with someone who shares that intrest with me. i miss going to walmart and ac moore and buying buttons to make cheap earings. i miss almost being jumped and raped as we walk in dark parking places in peekskill. i miss going to wendys and then playing with the toy lol. i miss just driving around without a care in the world  talking about everything imaginable, singing all the way to our unknown destination, chasing boys around parking lots. i miss trying on clothes that we kno we cant afford, but we pretend we can anyway. i miss going shopping with 5 bucks and having a blast. i miss spending all of our money until we have not a penny left. i miss talking on the phone or online for hours. i miss procrastinating doing work and then being up late talking together. i miss getting lost and finding our way back while trying not to get nervous. i miss talking on the phone late at night while shes in her closet.  i miss laughing so hard we cry. i miss laughing so hard we forget to breathe. i miss my best friend. i am not afraid to admit that i miss her.  id do anything to get it back im still unsure of what i did, but whatever it is i wish i could undo it. i really do.

::sighage::

will someone please just tell me whats wrong with me? why am i so upset lately? why am i so sensitive lately? why am i just so friggin depressed? im on the verge of breaking down and crying and i cant even explain why. this weekend is  a bit unlike last i have stuff to actually do…went to the play last night with rosie n today i went to the mall with ren and tomorrow i hafta go to a stupid boy scout brunch for my lil Robbie…last time there were hot waiters that i spoke to…i pray that tomorrow will also have hott waiters. i was told by someone a while ago “ thank you for always being here for me when ive needed you most” i said that’s what im suppose to do. which is how ive always felt. i hate making people feel bad, and i hate when people are upset…i feel as tho i must cheer people up. what do u tell that same person when you feel as tho they don’t always cheer u up when your down? i mean maybe i don’t express myself very well but that’s cause im really not given the chance…most people see me as just always happy and stuff…because i act that way, even when im really hurt. so i guess its my fault for putting up a façade, and its my fault for being sensitive but i cant help it. this same person told me that i seem to get upset if they don’t give me 100% of there attention which i understand how that could get annoying, but its not true. i get upset when they cant even give me 1% of their attention. i got ignored all last night at the play by someone i really haven’t spoken to in a while. yes weve talked but not for long really. they haven’t been real conversations. i feel as tho maybe im not wanted as a friend since 99% of the time im ignored and dumped for other people. i guess that’s my fault cause no matter how much im ignored i still stay there and allow it to happen over and over again. but lately ive decided that i seriously don’t wanna take this crap. i saw this person do the same thing they’ve done to me to someone else…dump them for other people. so ive come to the conclusion that its just in there personality…so i guess ill try not to let it bother me as much. its not just that they try to ignore me they are just sorta oblivious, self-absorbed and have a serious character flaw…so i kinda feel bad for them instead of myself. it still hurts tho when your friend constantly dumps you for other people, im not gonna lie. im just so goddamn tired of being ignored every fucking day and then always being there for them if only i could gather up every bitchy ounce in my body and use it towards this person and treat them as they treat me, i honestly don’t think theyd be like me and take it cause seriously no one should have to endure that from a friend. moving on to another depressing topic people that bitch all the time and are hypocritical. no one does this blah blah fucking blah and then a person does it and then they are against it…shut the hell up your against it only so you can whine some more. and also people who get pissed at you for something that’s not even your fault. but you’re the lucky one who had to be the messenger. and people who want so much attention that someone asks them to do something or go somewhere and they give u this song and dance idk if i can  blah blah maybe i can i dont kno maybe i don’t even want to… give me all the attention and then ill just say no either way. then other people that make me mad…people that act like oooh im the best at this and im better than you all cause im on a different *higher*  team than you so lets look down on you and treat you like the lower scum that you are. so yea maybe its that i have chosen that i don’t want to be higher. maybe im not that good. but at least im not associated with snobby stuck up people.

omg what a fucking long ass rant ive probably offended someone in there but i cant help it im so emotionally exhausted and hurt. what the hell do people want from me and why do people treat me like crap. im going to explode sooner or later. i also cant go see yellowcard and soco next week cause a)it sold out. b) ebay has high prices c) Lauren doesn’t really wanna go anymore d) i now have an SAT class that day. i was origionally gonna go with someone else but i should have known that theyd end up not going. if i would have known they deffinately weren’t going sooner i would have asked Lauren and she would have found out that she could go sooner then i would have gotten the tickets it wouldn’t be sold out and things would be just dandy. but yet again its just another let down in my life by certain people   i wish it wasn’t so late then id take a drive and bawl my eyes out like usual. the only thing that makes me feel better lately is talking to ryan who is the only person who knows 100% of the heartache in my life this stuff is only like 25-50% there is just so much drama that i don’t let anyone see and wont ever let people see except him. i swear if i expressed it all people would be shocked and would realize all i deal with so ill just keep pretending that its all ok and feeling better by talking  to him or laying in bed crying wah wah im a baby whatever im just so tired of everything.

worst part of today: showing gen that i was mad (although i managed to wait till 12 so i didn’t upset her on her bday)
best part of today: finding out that i really may get to see my love, ryan, this summer making me so friggin happy!!!

…this is the end of my depressed.angry.sad.bitchy.long.pitiful.rant…

( im just so tired wont you sing me to sleep )

[	mood	|	depressed	]
[	music	|	funeral masses for william jennings:viewing hrs 4-6~socratic	]

If hes number 8 then your number nine

It ends up at the time

A teller with no fortune

But he lucked out just fine

yea i love that line lol um so yea pretty boring/crappy day/weekend yeup. ive done nothing this weekend just like last really. no ones ever around to go out with me. everyone always has something else planned or goes n plans something even tho ive said im free n bored. i say im bored and lonely an have nothing to do n then people knowing this go and make plans with like other people...maybe i should say "lets do something" instead of trying to BLUNTLY imply it...oh wait i DO say lets do something! but whatever it really doesnt matter anymore. altho i knew this before i confirmed this today ryan is my best friend, my most loyal friend, and the one who is always there for me to talk to. i hate that hes so far, i love that boy more than anyone could begin to imagine. i mean yea i love my friends dont get me wrong but ryan is just ryan. it also helps that hes a guy so that reduces like 94538456485686945% of the drama.

ryan: i wish i could be there with you

me: i wish you could be too

no one can even fasthom how close me n him are and how dependanble and loyal and caring and sweet and how perfect he is, in an imperfect way...everyone needs someone like him. this has been i guess a crappy entry, its just hard to express how my life is right now some people make you so happy and you adore them and others hurt you and dont even realizes it and dont even care and yet you let them stay in your heart. some friends betray you and ignore you and can just be everything a friend shouldnt be and yet you put up with it everyday.  every effing day and they are completely oblivious and too self absorbed to care. no one is really ever there when you need them cause they just dont notice you need them. w/e this entry is now a pointless rant cause now people are gonna be all like "who are you writing about?" and blah blah blah and i just dont care to share. so im gonna go hopefully this week will go by fast and not be too crappy and then maybe next weekend ill get to do something with someone...anyone. im gonna go lie down for a bit n just maybe listen to more socratic or soco and maybe cry idk maybe just lay there n close my eyes...then ill come back n see if ryans on so we can finish our convo from earlier. yea ok so im gonna go now...night everyone.

[	mood	|	sore	]
[	music	|	funeral masses for william jennings-socratic(thanks2shelley)	]

oh my its been quite a while hasnt it! i havent updated in forever...im sorry i just havent had anytime whatsoever with soccer and SAT class....my life is so hectic! i finish soccer at like 5:30 then run straight  to SAT prep till like 9:30 and get home around 10 or if not i always have som crap to do ugh n home work needs to get done so stressful but ya.  ok last week was spring break i did NOTHING except go to sahars one day that was quite enjoyable we harassed sirus ha! then i was suppose to see her n lauren on thursday but sahar ruined everything by not letting laurens mom go and get them because then her mom took a while n there was a freak accident on the taconic so needless to say i didnt see them. so yes then i also did my english project meaning i wrote an essay read the book n watched the movie, what a sad movie (the green mile) cried my eyes out lol ok well then this week hmmm ah yes monday didnt really do much tuesday before practice me lauren n rosie went to laurens friend gregs  house and then to practice...we were followed by like 3 cop cars and saw others it was freakay! (not following me to pull me over following me to just get to their destinations) wednesday me n lauren met greg again before practice at the triangle shopping center and brought him into tj maxx lol then during practice i recieved a concussion thanks to the lovely rebecca lol and then after practice me n "my lil lauren g" went to the mall to buy shirts for thursday since we had an away game and had to dress up...for the first time in like ever i thought i looked cute which is y i yelled at rachel for her comment i didnt need to hear anymore shit...especially from her she says things like that all the time and always gets away with it because well because shes rachel. hmm so yes then thursday me rosie n lauren met greg again before practice lol at the mall and lauren n rosie bought gummy bears and gummy worms and that was about it. then today, today was an ok day in school. 

1st period US- i failed the test

2nd period math- mrs lofaso was absent so we did a work sheet and chem work not just me

3rd period orchestra- no playing today we just watched the chorus sing on the radio

4th period forensics- ms ogorman was absent and we had no work so it was a free period so i downloaded and played ms.pacman on my phone

5th period and 6th period chem- presented my extra credit power point n did nothing after that sinc i unlike most of the other kids did my homework.

7th period english- watched part of the great gatsby movie then did nothing the rest of the class

8th period spanish- well after a long week of testing we just had fun while almost being convinced into eating weird thingies and mangos lol then mrs hawkins whipped out the ol' wiffle balls n baseball bat haha it was so great (i have pictures-i love my phone lol) so yea

then i had a game it was ok except i knew i shouldnt play with my concussion but i did n stuff and i headed the ball (i kno im smart) i was so dizzy before n after that and really naseaus(sp?) and yea so then that with the fact that both my legs cramped up after playing like 65min of the 80 min game i collapsed and blacked out like for about 10seconds it was freaky. then i had to ice my ankle because this rather large girl stepped on it. then i took rosie home then i went home n showered n then tried not to fall asleep because i was told if u fall asleep with a concussion u can fall into a coma. but i accidentally fell asleep but im ok now so yea. hmm ok thats all for now...i must do something tomorow with anyone i need to get out. so yes if anyone is interested call meh.

( for a good time call: 318-4508 )

[	mood	|	bouncy	]
[	music	|	maps...the yeah yeah yeahs	]

Not too much too say except im about to be leavin soon to go upstate and visit SUNY Oswego...its by lake ontario woooh really north lol so ya ill be back tomorow night so dont fret...feel free to cell me if you want 318.4508 mm yes so now i gotta finish getting ready...ahhh n im so tired lol i was up till 5 talkin to ryan then i fell asleep n woke up at like 6:30 ish n talked till 7:45ish lol woah i love that boy so much i had so much fun talkin with him.  oh and it was real freaky when almost all of my clocks changed lol cause i forgot they go up an hour last night lol...hmmm so ya im all set i burned my new mix with the best songs ever including bands like soco, the cure, the yeah yeah yeahs, hellogoodbye, jenoah, rooney,bright eayes yea and so many more...so now im gonna go now adios.

they dont love you like i love you

[	mood	|	giddy	]
[	music	|	rooney,,,shakin (lol lauren my ringtone)	]

hmmmm so its been a while hasnt it...yes it has. i havent had time for anything lately! tons of hw and SAT prep and tons of soccer ROAR! but yes now im on break...SPRING BREAK that is...even tho its a tad chillay. so hmmm i dont have much to say lol except that i had a blast with ren n stimpy last weekend lol (lauren n sahar) went everywhere lol walmart dollarstore mall tj to play n then slept at rens... hmm and tonight i had fun with lil lauren at tims lacrosse game they won 5-4 it was fun lol oooh yesterday we had a pep rally it was ok. spanish was great tho lol we took pictures with my new  phone n played dominoes. take a look at the funny pics of tim lol n then a few pics from last weekend...im too lazy to upload the rest. ok well im gonna go i think idk what else to say so ya lol adios.

<3 jess

( ive forgotten what it feels like to feel normal )

if u read this im sorry perhaps i said to much in the last entry im sure it was hard on you …but think of how i feel as well…its all for the better is suppose.  i dont hate u either…so dont think that.  i did enjoy it while it was fun, and we did have some good times…so ya sorry if the last entry hurt you in anyway…i may have been to harsh.

[	mood	|	contemplative	]
[	music	|	lover i dont have to love...bright eyes	]

rawr heh im single again woop woop ha...yeup he dumped me my oh my lol on our way to gym! he did it n walked away so all i got to say was yea when he asked if i thought the relationship had changed...then he said it be best if we ended it n walked away, that makes me think of brand new "is that what you call a get away, tell me what you got away with cause i seen more spine on jellyfish ive seen more guts in 11 year old kids" but ya i guess it was time to end it psh i had wanted to but i decided id see if we could make it work but guess he didnt feel that way im too nice i shoulda done it when i wanted to instead im the one being dumped wow i didnt even see it comming...i was so ready to do it myself ask anyone i was just so annoyed ughh too much to list haha if you kno me you kno most of the list! grr but yea im not like heartbroken or devastated but a tad hurt.  w/e ha i love all of my friends to death everyone has been so sweet to me! ive been told by so many ppl that im better off and that hes crazy and i guess i am better off maybe i mean i wast too happy lately.  max told me he didnt deserve me and that not many do including her...aww shucks i love her.  i also love rosie who was so great to me today. n sahar. n ren. n brendan. n lauren (g). n amanda. n latchmie. n alyssa.n deirdre. n of course gen.  and then my favorite person of the day lol chris

chris: i hate manny
chris: ugh
me: y?

.....
chris: cuz hes a loser

.....

chris: y would he ever break up w/ u
me: aww
me: heh ur too sweet

.....

chris: he should take a bath w/ a toaster

me: haha

me: omg i love you

heh and everyone today said they loved my hair...even people who i never ever talk to! so i guess i was wrong with it lookin bad.  yea im not holding much of a grudge i suppose.  who wants to be with someone that doesnt want you, heh especially when u dont want them that much.  ill soon find someone heh i already got hit on tonight when i went out so yea psh ill be fine...i cant wait to talk to my ryan later! oh boy will he enjoy this he was trying to get me to talk to "him" cause he wanted me to try n work it out cause he doent want me alone n upset how sweet. heh im marrying him lol n running away with him. plus he already said hes having my babies. hehe how great is that. well yes i managed to keep this entry a lot nicer than i thought i could do considering im holding in so much heh...he dumped me thats something that people are shocked to hear. roar i gotta go do work woohoo. 

<3 i love all my friends <3

hehe need i say more...ha max hey arnold the answer to all of lifes problems

[	mood	|	dorky	]
[	music	|	shakin... rooney	]

I had an awesome day it was so friggen great lol i feel so evil cause of gen lol i swear me n  her are dangerous together driving all the way to danbury n then all over yorktown n mohegan lake n mahopac and just everywhere haha being out almost 7 hours and spending a total of $4.28 COMBINED haha at mcdonalds...wow i swear this was the most fun ive had in a while just driving n singing n crying and laughing god these are the days u dont forget laughing so hard u forget to breathe...or exit haha venting about stuff and ppl that bother u, posing provocatively, skipping around n jumping n heel clicking and trying on random outfits while wishing u had hundreds of dollars but instead just pretending that you do, taking tons of random pictures...wow lol i love my gen. ok so now pictures haha these are only some that i care to share...

these boots were made for walkin...and thats just what theyll do

( one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you )</span></span></span></span></span></span></b></span></b>